I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
