I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
