I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize