YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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