I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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