I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
