She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
