I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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