Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
