She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
