Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
