he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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