Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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