I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
