Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
