Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
