Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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