Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
