she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
