The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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