This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
