my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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