dude i'm inner monologue high
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
