I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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