All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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