if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Barsexuality is the new black.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
