What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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