i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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