Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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