Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
im on a boat
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