so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
