I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
