One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
