I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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