literally had 100 drinks last night.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
