Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
