A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
