literally had 100 drinks last night.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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