My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
