Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We need to get me chipped asap
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
