I will die if light touches me.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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