Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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