You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
