made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
