I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
