I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
