i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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