turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can't turn off my feet"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
