wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
