I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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