I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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