Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
