Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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