dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
