am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
