sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I love you. Go after that dick
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
