my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
