I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
