do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
