I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
