I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
